15 Secrets to Confidence in Any Situation


hello everyone and welcome back to

english with Lucy today I've got a very

special guest this is Caroline Goyder

hello and Caroline will put you like to

introduce yourself what do you do I'm

now a voice coach but for many years

well if we go back to late 90's I was a

petal teacher briefly you know I know

this was very well I remember standing

in front of my group of Argentinian

students to teach them English and being

utterly terrified being in the spotlight

and now I teach people have to be in the


yeah so today we wanted to talk to you

about how to be more confident in

different situations we've chosen five

situations and we're going to tell you

or Caroline's going to tell you how you

can feel and sound and appear more

confident and we're doing this to

celebrate International Women's Day and

their be bold for change campaign so

what are you teaching english i was

teaching in garages in Northwest poland

was just fantastic but a very unlikely

place to go after careful training i

love you

there was a poster on the wall in my

personal school and I just went other

jobs and so I went to Poland

it was great i love Poland fantastic

yeah I've never been to Poland I have

quite a few polish subscribers so I'm

sure they would love to hear you speak

some polish and Obrecht specific about

it but in one way I know that's natural

yes yeah that's good that's like your

process you know that's your drinking

word yeah yeah

evo is a good word abuse ok i'm not you

know giving any first but I suppose I

about you had a great time and and so

what made you go into voice coaching

then when I trained as an actor I went

to drama school and that should be

honest there wasn't a great actor he and

i wanted to work in theater but I didn't

want to act so i ended up training as a

voice coach and by kind of mistake i

found a job i really really love and one

side trained as a voice coach I was like

this is actually what i want to do for

the rest of my life

it's a great job but I fell into it

really by mistake and how long have you

been doing it now nearly 20 years wow

that's quite a lot some experience that

makes me feel very old the purpose and

what I saw that you did a TED talk about

confidence that actually how I found you

and how did you get into doing a talk

well again I mean so many things

happened by accident I was coaching for

TEDx in Brixton ok I'm the very

brilliant curated there Stephanie said

have you got a talking you and I said

yeah I think so

so I pitched talks which is how you get

into TEDx they took it on i did it in

2014 and it had maybe three million

views which is insane

Wow congratulations thank you a lot of

new Thank You youtube if so today we're

going to talk about confidence in

certain situations so we've chosen five

situations for you

we're going to talk about being

confident at parties on dates in present

patients in job interviews and on the


so I'm really excited about this video

because so many of you have asked me to

talk about presentations public speaking

dating and now I thought someone

extremely qualified next to me ready to

share everything that you've learned

throughout your career so let's talk

about parties first and what what

insight you have to share about feeling

confident while meeting new people at

party was so I learned a lot about this

a few years back when I was interviewing

a-list actors because I wrote a book

which was talking to other sectors about

confidence okay and i would go to people

like Helen Mirren and say so tell me

about confidence thinking that they knew

things that they were confident they

weren't none of them were me

any one of the people who said she

wasn't covered it with Helen Mirren

surprise to me that

yeah the most beautiful woman ever ok 3

right yeah and she said when I have to

go to the party after show you know that

actors go to the bar after show they

have parties before Lord all that kind

of thing so they get really really


ok and she had a great pit which is

first thing you have to do is think

about your body you know really relax

your shoulders relax your breathing

center your voice because she says I

hate the way and this is a big one for

women's day you know I hate the way that

when we get noticed as women we kind of

start screaming and shrieking and our

voices go how she said Pete your voice

nice and low and relax okay so i think

that's a really good one

hey relax relax your shoulders center

your voice and then there are other tips

there's a really good George Clooney one

which also isn't you meet him

no I wish I had the same thing and

Johnny that we're the ones that got away

he his thing when you meet people is

that he imagines everybody he meets his

old friend in the way he acts and speak

for them yeah interesting and you can

just picture his face can't you you know

this that there are the muscles around

their eyes that crinkle up when we with

a friend yeah that it's called to share

and smile and it just relaxes oh ok and

try it really you don't close your eyes

or what do you do you just imagine that

you've bumped into an old friend and

that you're talking to them and you let

your brain chemistry do the rest is just

think about smiling talking to an old

friend and how you smile it that's it

and then your face relaxes your boys

relaxes you know if its brain chemistry

and they think if I've never had a clip

like that before so I'm gonna get that's

number two and the third one I would say

is as you walk through the door of the

party just think i've only got to be

there for five minutes

ok and this was taught to me by someone

who's a real into the and she said she

was another actor and she said I used to

really drag parties but if I it's like

going to the gym you know i'm i'm not a

great one for going to gym if I say to

myself I'm only going 25 minutes when I

get there I'm much more likely to stay

cuz it's quite fun if he said hes i'm

only going to go through five minutes

and then you get there and you had a

drink and you're enjoying yourself

you're going to stay for a bit longer so

just say even if you're dreading it

i'm just going to stay for five minutes

then find someone to talk to them as if

they're an old friend and keep your

shoulders relaxed and you'll be fine and

your voice nothing that was not know

those green yeah that's okay i think

when i'm on camera I probably see with a

much lower voice and when i'm meeting

new people for the first time I would

definitely say it goes up a couple of

times so i won't be out i'll be aware of

that but that's ok so another big

question I get is about dating and this

came up recently because i made a video

about how to say dates in English and a

lot of people are excited thinking about

going to teach them about dating but

actually i was speaking about numerical

dates so how can you be more confident

was meeting someone maybe for the first

time or even the second time on a date

so I asked a friend of mine who is

brilliant dating and I said what is it

that you do and she said well actually

it's something that you told me and I

was surprised by that and she said you

taught me years ago and this is another

acting tip that when you meet someone

and you're on a date what you have to do

is think this is alyssa the real active

fit you have to think I'm beautiful

someone loves me i have a secret so the

three things three things you have to

think to yourself I'm beautiful because

it kind of gives us a little spot you

know the dates out there days when

you're not feeling that just gives you a

kind of sparkle someone loves me which

gives you his brain chemistry again it

gives you a kind of warmth and a

presence and I have a secret give you a

bit of a twinkle can actually have to

have a secret

it helps okay but I don't think it was

because I should have the WikiLeaks

level just you know something at or

active to talk about naughty sword and

not a 15-foot that's a good one to have

a cousin of their family work is that a

twinkle in the eyes and it just she said

it just gives me a presence when I'm

dating or you know she's going to

parties as well that makes her shine and

that makes people it seems that your fun

person to talk to

where is so often in our head we've got

a kind of invoices say means that

definitely we all do we all have it

before i go out for a date

I don't date much but when i do i would

look at myself in the mirror before

handing thing or that's not right and

maybe he won't find me funny but I guess

I think about all the good things first

exactly and recognize those and I this

relates to another activity that someone

taught me which is that if you're

worrying about how it might go wrong

don't do that worried about what it'll

be like when it goes right so if you

visualize themselves on the date having

fun laughing looking really relaxed

getting on with each other

you're gonna walk into the room much

more relaxed and that sets a really good

cycle up so it's keeping yourself

positive and only thinking about the

positive part

ok it's the inner game begin again they

think there's a married woman

ok what makes a good data though I'm

concerned for your friend if you go in a

lot or just need to do the few very well

she doesn't feel very well I could get

it yes hello

so what about number three or number

three is that you know when we're on a

date we feel like we have two talkin

talkin talkin talkin talkin actually you

don't mind I'd say the best places are

people who have really good asking

questions and then listening I imagine

and that's the real introverts it i mean

i'm an introvert and if i go to a party

I'm not dating anymore but if i go to a

party and I meet people and I'm feeling


I kissed offload the questions I think

that's something i dont teaching because

i used to run conversation classes and

you just have the shyest students but

once you start asking them about

themselves they feel important and then

suddenly they've got a lot say so i

guess that's good to avoid if you have

an awkward silence which is what we

dread most in dating really and meeting

new people asking from having a set of

good questions prepared probably partly

yes i think if you have two or three

stars the question is yes then really

listen and just a great follow-up

questions so if they say I really love

till they are great where you going to

Seville and it's and then if they say

well as a great cut fastball you know

tell you that type of another had it you

just you just follow the thread of the

conversation and you just turn what they

say into another great question and then

you show your engaged and that you've

been listening which is important

because sometimes you're having a

conversation with someone and you can

see that is glazed over and for that

that's horrible yet so where it can and

it will kill any spark so having to

really listen because you're going to

ask the great follow-up question is

really powerful because they feel that

they have that connection

wonderful thank you for those Clips so

next I'd like to ask you about public

speaking and giving a presentation

because a lot of my subscribers are at

university or they were in jobs where

they'll have to present the big group of

people in a second language within

really really tough because public

speaking I find it difficult in my own

language and doing in a second or even

third language is tough but do you have

any tips for my subscribers that I mean

that is really hard it as you say public

speaking is bad enough and doing in a

language where you don't feel faith

where you don't feel that if you go

wrong you can escape is really scary

yeah so the things i always say that

people are firstly if you're doing it in

a language that's not your first you've

got to practice twice as much

so when I talk to clients about

rehearsing presentation are safe and

take your phone find voice notes on your

phone and record it now that little kid

I really go with because I when I think

in my second language which is Spanish I

will record myself and then I listen

back to it and I would know she know the

mistakes that i didn't realize i made at

the time and also you get to know better

but I feel a natural inclination to

avoid practicing is that when you feel

as well that that line that's perfectly

right after the surface we we don't want

to practice because it its kind of owner

roast it feels a bit unpleasant we don't

like hearing our voices but you really

it's like it is like going to the gym

again you know if you want to get fit

you really have to get out there and go

for a run its like before you go for

around you just have to motivate

yourself to

put the recorder on and practice and as

you say when you practice you hear

what's working you hear what's not and

you learn it and so I say clients who

are English practice it three times like

that it's important if english isn't

your first language I'd say you probably

need to practice it six times for it to

feel ok on the day

yeah can we have something practice it

kind of just comes out more evenly so I

really agree with that one

what about kit number 2 tip number two

is that you've got to get the body

relaxed and prepared so that's what i

call getting rusty what makes everything

that explains everything and roundly the

butterflies have to fly in formation so

you know in English we say that you the

best that you get butterflies in your


yes that's a great idiom if we're

nervous and you feel that funny feeling

in your tummy

we we call it having butterflies so

you're saying that we need to get our

butterflies information like the red

arrows like me you know that the planes

that fly in formation so you need to

take hold of those outside and channel

them into something positive

exactly ok because the idea is I mean is

it for performance as well said you know

anybody who's on state that adrenaline

is actually a really good thing

good adrenaline in the feeling that I

hate those nerves before a first date I

can't stand it cannot normally quite

confident person and I guess the feeling

of feeling really nervous and and the

slide I don't like what you're saying

that it's a positive it's a good thing

ok so and that so human at everybody

feels nervous right

aight taking them and going ok i'm

feeling these butterflies

this is a feeling of my power because

i'm going to stand on stage and speak

and it's also feeling of excitement

because it's it's a kind of alertness

the adrenaline it's making he's going to

make you perform better as long as you

don't say oh no here it comes now the

way that performers and athletes still

to do this is it's a lot about how you

ground yourself and how you breathe i'd

say to anybody you know before you do

something like a speech don't spend

three hours checking your email or

playing a game you know do something

calming yoga go for run go for a swim

sit quietly

dedicated that few things create calm

because then when the adrenaline hits

your state has come

and so then you channel it if we're

wired if we've had four cups of coffee

and we'll talk to all our friends on the

phone and we've answered or emails and

we've watched that you know all of that

we're not going to handle the adrenaline

forget quiet get into the body and then

you'll be alright when the butterflies

his you'll get them flying in formation


okay and what about the third tip then

the final tip is when you walk out

onstage you know when you face the

audience you have to see them as old

friends so it's a bit like the gorge

community tip and what I do when I have

an audience's i'll spend a little bit of

time at the beginning before before the

show goes up as it were before the show

starts before I speak i'll go and talk

to people in the audience and i'll find

out for maybe three people what they


what why have they come today what are

they interested in if I can't do that

i'll actually asked the audience on

stage does anybody have any questions I

saw you do this in your TED talk and I

thought it was a really interesting

thing to do because i haven't seen

anyone else do it before and so that's

interesting to know the reasoning behind

it and how did it make you feel when you

when you speak to the people so for me

as an introvert what's scary is feeling

that everybody's looking at me about the

horrible feeling that if I'm curious

about the audience if I'm thinking how

can I help the audience get what they


I'm not thinking about me anymore and

then I'm in what's called a flow state

ok and then it's just by having a chat

is like are sitting here now having a


that's how you want to be on stage it

just happens there's a thousand people

in front of you and if you if you spoken

to fear of those people you have a sense

of why they're there and then you forget

yourself and you have a you have a role

in a purpose not being onstage

look at me i couldn't speak if I thought

it was about me but when I stepped up

for the tedx it wasn't about me it was

about helping the audience get something


wonderful thank you for those i think

those ones are particularly useful

especially for me

because public speaking is something

that and having to do more and more

nowadays I get my first panel the other

day and I just found it that everyone

was old timer on it and I was the first

new person and I did find a little bit

traumatic and I definitely could have

channeled my adrenaline in my

butterflies much more efficiently goes

running the other something beforehand

Stefan good idea that i went for the


don't have the coffee no audit the

coffee green tea and around yes not the

water there for her right so another

thing I get a lot of people are studying

English they're trying to get exams to

then be able to get a job so they want

the English qualification to then be

able to get a better job and obviously

they'll have to do a chilled interview

so that's something i get asked about

quite a lot

do you have any tips for those people

yes and I spent quite a lot of time with

people thinking about job interviews

because they're horrible out later we're

just so evil

so there are there are tips and tricks

to help you get over that feeling of

being watched because i think the first

thing to save you are you know in a job

interview you really are being observed

absolutely never getting where it is if

which is quite hideous feeling so you

firstly just have to get yourself nice

and calm and centered mhm and I think

there's something again before you walk

into the room I think about not how am I

looking at what is it that they're

looking for and visit an axis tip around

when you walk into the room just try and

help them find the right person for the

job or find the right person for the

course you know you are helping them

make a choice it's not about a judgment

on you it's about helping them think

clearly and it's when you flip your

attention hours on to what they're

trying to do it takes you into

compassion it takes you out of help

everybody's looking at me everybody's

judging me after you came to your

perspective slightly yes i like that

definitely because you know you might

not be the right person for the job and

that's okay and do something you have to

accept and and that might make rejection

and little bit easier as well i always

think if there's somebody I like and

they don't like me back i always trying


think well it wouldn't have worked

anyway because there wasn't the right

person so if we apply that to the job

interview since you're remembering yeah

and that improve improve your confidence

going forward

exactly so what about tip number two

then so breathing is really important

interview breathing yet

yep because what you know you get a

horrible question don't you think it's

the moment when someone asks you a

really horrible question the Western for

me would be described your weakness of

the floor that question but they asked

all the time they want to see how you

respond so you think I should breathe

remember to breathe now okay so how you

breathe is important because what most

of us do when a really horrible question

comes we kind of go with breathe here we


and it's a bit extreme that but there's

a kind of chest breath is happening

yeah that breath is not helping you what

you want to do is breathe into your back

so if you notice your back ribs just

kind of feel your back ribs and notice

that if you breathe out through a little

kind of blowing out birthday candles

breath and then wait for the breath in

and just make it happen

yeah breathing into the back exactly

softer it's karma and it relaxes your

shoulders relaxing you and it's making

you seem calm under pressure which is

when people give you a job because you

seemed calm under pressure so breathe

into your back and the tip the secret

tip is imagine a lovely smell i move


luckily smell great haha that's always

useful to go

sorry guys you can't smell her but not

lately right so what about the third kit

then the third tip is a very famous when

it comes from that one of the economics

editors on BBC radio today immunity for

radio today which had breakfast show on

BBC radio 4 which is worth listening to

and the guy dad he was economics editor

is a chapel Simon Jack and I asked him

for the second book which is called

gravitas what he sees in good CEO's that

he interviews when they come on air on

radio 4 and he said the thing they

all do is they set out there still went

through question they don't look

straight into it they'll say something

like so Simon three points

oh ok so they're kind of introduce say

what they're going to say and then say

it in an ordered manner

exactly I i get in a bit of a panic I'll

try and get as much information as I

possibly can to try to appear

knowledgeable about the topic topic but

you're saying it's better to just

prioritize example order

okay i mean if the question you then you

probably don't have to do this but it is

when the questions tricky and you go

into brain freeze

yeah it's that moment as three things

and it forces you to structure and so

you need that breath because I think

about the order as well so tip 2 and 3

go together quite nicely organized


ok very interesting right been asked

topic they were going to cover today is

talking on the telephone

because my students really really

struggle with listening in english and i

always want to do their example sure you

seen as well speaking will be quite high

reading and writing we really high

listening is always a bit of a struggle

on and it's because you can't read the

net you can't read the body language and

so and then also the voice on the

telephone gets a bit distorted so how

can my students feel more confident on

the telephone because it's an essential

part of life it will go hard only that

whole thing that we can't see the other

person you can't see their reaction so

you don't know whether they like what

you're saying it's tricky and add the

first pick for causes another active and

it was an actress called animasi he's no

longer with her she's died sadly she

said when I on the phone to someone I

picture them sitting on a sofa it like

this you know sitting at home and even

if I haven't met them I imagine what

they look like okay and it's a nice

imagination if it helps you kind of

change into that person be curious and I

do this even with corporate clients if

I'm talking to someone i imagine where

they're sitting you know what they're

wearing what they might look like for

the eye

I engage with them as a real person

rather than this strange disembodied

voice the visualize the person you're

talking through the first one

okay I like that and then you can kind

of imagine their body language anyway

and try and listen to the voice and work

out what they're what they're feeling

and response to your what you're saying

exactly forces us to really pay

attention which is nice

yes they didn't miss anything so the

second tip is more of a speaking tips in

a way because it's something that partly

comes from my careful teaching you know

years ago with that one of the things

that when we're speaking English you

know something i think you talked about

as well that helps us as listeners its

emphasis ok and the iambic English has

what's called really an iambic

pentameter which is like Hamlet yeah you

know if you think it to be or not to be

that is the question

there's a kind of dee-dum dee-dum didn't

render down yeah and lots of languages

of you know you know spanish doesn't

have that is a different kind of rhythm

so when you're speaking on the phone if

you really hit the nouns and verbs in

particular the meaning words you give

them a little bit of punch you can

actually punch the words you're talking

if they can't see you so hi my name is

Caroline you know we're going to be

talking about emphasis i'm hitting with

my hands the important words if they're

on the phone they were no just as long

as they don't forget they're on a skype

call ya don't sweat this but I was like

me with my podcast for the day really

embarrassing moment i was on a podcast

interview and I thought it was just

audio so I was that they're in my

dressing gown my bathrobe until I reread

the email 10 minutes before and realized

it was being filmed so very embarrassing

modern life yet but luckily I wasn't

pointing out the web but I should I

should do that from the telephone if

they're on the telephone you can do

anything you very much

great and what's your final tip and

final tip today actually the fireplace

the finances of today is if you are

nervous about it cool if you need to

make a great impression stand up and up

ok i always see my dad doing and my dad

is a the managing director neither with


around the house on the phone I thought

it was because he has a bad knee but

maybe it's because it makes me feel more

confident it's powerful and maybe the

bad news as well but it's also you know

its powers up your voice it's easier to

have thousands when you're standing it

gives you more energy to help you feel

more relaxed it helps you breathe and it

basically sound better simply okay yeah

i actually find myself naturally wanting

to stand up and go and look out of a

window or something on a telephone

yeah I can see that working the final

tweet to that which is what voiceover

artists through you know if you have

anything over a movie like saying or

something gesture so they'll be standing

in a voiceover studio and they they go

crazy with gesture because what they

know is that gesture orchestrates the

information of the voice so if my hands

are high my voice goes is my hands and

my voice goes low so stand up hold that

they receive it to one here will get

yourself on speakerphone and wave your

arms about and you will to match what

you're saying not just randomly but it

will give you more power more energy and

you'll be easier to listen to wonderful

really really good tip thank you very

much and actually for anyone who wants

to take their telephone English that

further Caroline have got an audio

course all about having confident for

speaking on the telephone and it's

absolutely free so if you're interested

in that then there is the link in the

description box and you can check this


well Caroline it was a pleasure to have

you on today thank you so much I feel

like I've that late i hope you guys have

learned a lot as well if you're

interested in hearing more from Caroline

and all of her information and social

media is in the description box and you

can also go and look at her TED talk

which has three million views now

amazing she's beat me on the View for

that was that

so yes thank you very very much for

being my guest my day thank you and

remember be bold for chains and make a

change in your life and be more


don't forget to connect with me on all

of my social media

I've got my facebook on my Instagram and

I will see you soon for another lesson


not the first off that thank you